The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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