I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
