Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
