I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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