If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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