That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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