hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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