just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize