I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
