Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
