I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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