I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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