We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
