just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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