there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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