holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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