As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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