"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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