so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I wish you could order shots online.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
