Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
