Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
