It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
