you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
