people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
