you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
