I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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