The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
