Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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