i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It was confusing and full of hummus
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
