He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
