i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I need to stop coming to work sober
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
