true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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