yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
