I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
