She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
