I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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