They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Is Oprah even human
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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