I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
