So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I stole a fireplace last night.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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