Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
