dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
