I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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