I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
