I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
