Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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