I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
