I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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