At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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