Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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