1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life