I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
