I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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