i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
