how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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