birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
